hopeless romantic.

I like this guy from my school he's almost 3 years older than me.
I fucking love him I think hes the hottest thing before I knew him i wanted him. 

I transfered to his school and I added him. he knew I thought he was hot so it was weird I never thought he'd give me the time of day but he gave me the chance we chilled once and thats when I knew how much I wanted him, just to be close with him, we hung out more and more.
I started to fall for him it got more intense I cant stop thinking about him I think about him day and night I talk about him to everyone

I told him that I don't care that he doesn't like me but its the fact it kills me to not know what its like to kiss him just feels weird cuz I love him so much so we snuck out and chilled that night and we finally kissed... it was one of the most magical things I have ever experienced the butterflies were in my stomach and I never wanted it to end holding him and kissing him felt so right... but only for me...

This happening I lost a good friend and a boyfriend and you may look at it that I cheated but Im just confused I was in love with the one before and my boyfriend at the time I regret my decission everyday but I also see that that night was one of the best and worst of my life... but I still like him so much but hes older and none of our friends can know about the kiss and shit because his rep wud go down and he doesnt want to hookup anymore knowing how I feel but he doesnt know how I feel I fucking love him.

I wrote him something a while go its about a page long telling him why I love him and he said im sorry and hugged me and i left school for the day crying in my friends arms. that day i had never felt so empty so sad so hurt so dead inside.

I hate going to school because there is always that change I have to see him and it kills me when our eyes meet and i think bak to everything and just know I can never have the boy I want more than anything in the fucking world at this point.

He doesn't see that when he hugs me I fall for him a little harder 

He doesn't see when we kissed it killed me inside just a lil to know that I was even for a min good enough He doesn't know that I go out of my way to see if he is online so I can talk to him 

He doesn't see how much I care for him and how many feelings I have for him

when he smiles I smile, when he laughs I laugh I love everything about him 

He got the cutest fucking haircut and his snakebites and his lil awkward stoner self is the fucking most amazing thing I have ever seen. not only is he the fucking cutest boy alive he is so sweet and caring he will always help me and talk to me when im sad and he always knows how to put a smile on my face.

I stay up til 2 or 3 in the morning talking to him today im talking to him and I say I hate that I love u and he said bye and signed off and it kills me to know he doesnt see how i feel I only wish that he could see that he means the absolute world to me ♥

I understand why I can never have him I met his ex gf the other day and she is one of the prettiest people I have ever seen and knowing that is who I have to compare to I want to give up right now she is this blonde skinny pretty girl and I envy every moment they spent together. After talking to her all I needed was a hug someone to be my friend, but of course that can't happen I go outside to see him and there he is standing with someone who hates me I couldn't bare to go to hug him he would reject it or she would laugh. I had to walk away with the feeling of emptiness and failure.

I felt ignored we hadn't hung out or really talked since that one night, the night we kissed I mean I knew he didnt like me but it hurt to feel ignored. I saw him last night and it seemed like i just wanted to

hookup but I wanted to talk I see I'm not good enough for him and if he did do anything it's because it was behind close doors. He barely spoke to me that night, I watched him dance with other girls just dreaming that one day it would be me. 

I woke up this morning and I went to text him but i couldn't I had to delete it and press close cause I knew I would put myself through the pain of not getting an answer back.

All I am and all I ever will be is a pathetic 14 year old girl in love.